Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Motherhood: Doubt.

I have always wanted children. I never thought about what kind of mom I wanted to be. 
I can remember when I first got asked the question..."Are you having a midwife or a doctor?"
Not soon after it was...
"Are you going to vaccinate or go the hippie route?"
I like to think of my self as a simple thinker.
simpler talker.
simple writer.
I know what I like..I know how I want to look. I know what I want people to remember me by. I know when I am wrong. I know when I accidentally just say things, not thinking before I speak. 

When I was pregnant with my firstborn- Tristan Micaiah. 
I felt for the 1st time since middle school....an all to familiar feeling.


DOUBT.
It flooded my foundation. 
I got overwhelmed by all the books people gave me.
I was being informed by all the informed. I felt anxious.... not sure how it was all going to come together. I remember thinking... "I don't know how I am going to mother." 
I let the doubts come in.
I let both opinions and view points come in..... & I let them shake me.
You see, 
I felt like I had "mastered" the part of my life where I was Beka: wife. sister. friend. worshipper. 
( looking back now -i wasn't even close) 



Then God pulled the rug from under my feet...... 

 I was given the  title... MOM. 
I remember when I first held Tristan- I felt LOVE. I felt scared. I felt this overwhelming feeling of.......GOD GAVE ME THIS CHILD TO TEACH. to nurture. 
God trusted me enough to give this son to Zach & I. TO speak into his life. 
I still feel overwhelmed by that privilege. I think that this is part of the reason why my post-partum was so dark and bad after Tristan's birth. 
I didn't know who I was. I didn't remember who I was & who was calling me. 

I didn't remember WHO gave me the title.....Mom. 

I am a mom to 3 beautiful children. I have given birth to 2 beautiful children & 1 baby that God has placed in our hands this past September, but on my heart 20 years ago. (story coming soon) I am still learning to lean on God when I am weak. Parenting is not for the weak, just like marriage, just like being single, just like this life....... But---- we are made for more. We are more than just people. We are eternal beings waiting to see the Glory of it all. 
I truly believe that America has spoiled our system.... Yes, we are a blessed country, but who said we have to be the mom that DOES IT ALL? Have you seen a picture of a mom that looks like she has it all together? I mean, the SISTER has her hairs did-makeup DONE-cute new shoes on her pedicured feet! 

Doubt is still trying on your heart when the Comparison brother shows up......

Doubt & Comparison are brothers..... of the same Mother ----> Insecurity. 



I am still learning what kind of mother I am. I am sure I will be learning for the rest of my life. 
 I think it comes with every new child, new season, new beautiful life lesson. 

I am learning that it is very important to remember who you are without your kids around. What did you do before potty training took over? What hobbies did you have? What did you and your friends do? Did you create something else besides kids? ;) Are you good at hosting parties? Are you a mean chef? 

Tell me....
what would you do with a day to yourself? 
would you lay the hot glue gun out? 
turn on every curling iron you have and whirl them around?
Would you bring out every piece of junk food?
Would you go for a run?
Go inside the restaurant instead of the friendly drive thru?
Sleep in?

Be sure you remember who you are. 
Take time for you.
No, not selfish, It's needed to have your family THRIVE.




DISCLAIMER:
I, like many mommy bloggers, blog only what I am dealing with. Please know that what I write out is on my heart. We are all in this together. 
xoxo.


8 comments:

  1. I need to save this post to my computer and re-visit it regularly! This couldn't be more perfectly worded, Beka! So beautiful and so well said. I love how you uncover the heart of situations in TRUTH without JUDGEMENT but full of LOVE and strong REALITY. Blessed to read your words.

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    1. Thanks so much Claire! You are always so encouraging! :)

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  2. life is always a learning experience! I guess thats what makes it great huh? family is wonderful!

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    1. Thanks Kelsey! You are so right! FAMILY IS WONDERFUL! :)

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  3. This post really hits home for me right now. I'm struggling with my oldest. I love him so so much but he's pushing me beyond my limits and I feel lost. Prayer is what has gotten me through. I know God will get us through this time. It's the hardest job on earth, I am responsible for his life. The most important thing to me is his relationship with God, when I see him pointed in the wrong direction I want to take control and turn him the other way. I have to learn to trust that God is in control and I know that.
    If I had a day completely to myself I would take a long bath, read a book, and get crafty! With no interruptions;)) love the post, thank you for your words;)

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    1. Thank you for being so open. I am praying for you and this season!
      xoxo

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  4. This is something that's really been on my mind lately and I read this post at exactly the right time. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and experience!

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Thanks for leaving some LOVE. :)